Looking Back

When I turned 30 I was pretty sure that I didn’t need to look back at the last 30 years of my life and evaluate what I’ve done and where I’m going… I’m sorry folks this is probably the first of a couple of posts that may seem a bit well, winey (If thats even a word).  But trust me the posts are better than the alternative for me anyway.  I’m going to just cover recent events over the last couple of years, I think I have handled then packaged and dealt with the years before pretty well by now, but maybe not, you could be the judge.

I live on my own, is probably the most pertinent point to get this started and it’s important to note that I live alone not by accident but on purpose, in such I did this to myself.  A few years ago I was lodging with Beard who after renting a succession of houses with me had bought a house and offered me the spare room which I had taken.  The house it’s fair to say was a tip, we had a welding machine in the front room at one point!  I meanwhile had stacked my room from floor to ceiling with stuff I even had boxes stacked on top of the wardrobe.  Something had to change I needed more space and with Anthony moving to Australia his 3 Bed house presented it’self.  Excellent I thought a nice big house on the outskirts of the city with a garden that I can hold parties and have space to work and think.  Do you want to know how many parties I’ve had … 1 it was my 30th Birthday and it rained!

So here I am living for the next month and and half at least in what is sometime described as my country estate on my own, trapped somewhere between a recluse and eccentric wondering at which point did all my friends start settling down having children and seeming stressed but utterly content.  Was I away on camp and miss a really good night out where everyone met their perfect match or something.  I’m not really sure, all I know is that increasingly those of us in my age range are turning into their parents.  This is worry some, was there a selection process where whoever is in charge picks from a line of 20 somethings and the geeky engineer gets left until last a bit like the non sporty kid at school, hey in fact that was me on both counts.

I feel driven to prove myself to people, driving myself I should add takes more energy than you might think and occasionally I crash quite spectacularly and I mean spectacularly, sometimes I’m lucky and I’m on my own but sometimes I’m stuck in a situation where I can just do no more … I can smile no longer and I surrounded by people that I cannot escape from very readily and I usually end up looking a complete stroppy miserable pillock.  Let me just say that if it’s going to happen then it usually happens when I’m not expecting it and drinking alcohol at exactly the wrong moment does make it worse.  Sometimes i’m fixed with a cup of tea and five minutes reflection, sometimes a hug from an occasionally seen friend will fix me right up, and sometimes theres no chance and the fog is in for at least 12 hours and nothing but a huge cup of tea with piles of sugar, two kalms and at least 8 hours sleep (If I can get any) will go any way to getting me moving again.

The need to prove myself is so strong that I would probably attempt to push a coach out of the mud in the rain on my own If I thought people would notice, I sing out of tune and pretend not to care, I’ll get up in the middle of the night even if i’m not on duty to attend to some meaningless camp event, I’d and I have miss lunch so not to let people down even though everybody else has had a break (probably because I don’t want to eat alone).  I cycled through snow that stopped cars into work on days where I probably could have legitimately worked from home due to the weather, I’ve cycled home from town at three in the morning on days where I could have afforded a taxi.  I’d destroy myself to make a point, stand in the middle of a fight and take a punch ment for someone else and their is nothing I can do to stop it.  It’s an inbuilt thing at no point will my brain say “STOP”.

Until of course there is a girl involved.  It is fair to say that I go all bibbly over a girl I like to the point that I end up ignoring them instead of saying “excuse me. would you like to dance”, or “your really nice can I call you” or just anything in fact even, “do you fancy a cuppa, I’ve got the kettle on” becomes pretty much impossible.  It must seem a bit weird to the poor lass on the receiving end, I mean here is a nice enough bloke not the best looker but friendly and hard working and things seem to be going alright and then for almost no reason he starts ignoring you.  Confusing … try being me inside my head my subconscious is screaming something like “Will you just bloody say something” but my lips are jammed shut.  Mind you add to the fact that I couldn’t tell a come on from a friendly nod to save my life.  I’m so terrified of getting it wrong that I’m pretty sure I’ve let some really splendid girls get away.

I’ve spent the last 5 years at least on various online dating sites and never got very fair mostly because I struggled to get past the initial emails mostly because of the reasons detailed in the previous paragraph.  I mean can you imagine

Somewhat off the wall, engineer, cyclist, and scout of the larger build seeks a companion that can cope with weekends, weeks and occasionally almost a month in a tent working stupid hours doing seemingly daft jobs while singing camp songs.  Must smile often, read odd books be interested in science fiction and pretty much everything apart from pop stars and pseudo celebrities.  Listen to all sorts of music. enjoy dancing, laughing, the world service and radio 4.  Must also accept that it dosent matter how you protest I will still open the door and pay for dinner.  Ability to lie in hammock pondering own navel on sunny days a must.

On a site full of profiles with statements like “I loooooooove rnb especilly (Insert badly spelt name of R’n’B band in charts)” or “My favoritisit thing in the whole wurld is my saxo gt mtr v6 wibbly”  Oh yes I’ve been their folks.

Anyway enough for now.