I suffer from depression, and have for a long time.
About 9 years ago my life fell apart, my fiancee of 4 years at the time decided that she would rather run away and make something of a life with the man she’d been cheating on me with. I came home to an empty flat, I honestly didn’t see it coming, I though we’d been robbed! Until I found the note. For around a year I put a brave face on things, I threw myself in my work and university studies. I would routinely work 7AM to 7PM then go home and attempt to study till midnight.
Occasionally the little protective framework I put up would show a few cracks, eventually it was going to fall down. I couldn’t keep up the act and I knew it. I still remember when I realised what was being explained to me by my doctor, meant that I as a part time university student with a stable public sector job had what I would refer to later as mental health issues.
I was broken, officially.
I’m not sure that I’ve ever been fixed properly. A combination of basic NHS support and a lot of stubbornness got me through the first rough patch. A regime of keeping busy and trying to focus my energies in a more positive way kept me going and upright. Occasionally I loose it, sometimes because I’m tired and angry, or upset about something. But sometimes for absolutely no reason whatsoever, I’ll cry, feel so bad I just want to run away and hide, or worse. I’ll dismantle my world in my head convince myself that everything is my fault, regardless if it even had anything to do with me.
Before everyone posts or emails me telling me to go and get fixed, see a shrink, take some pills.
This is who I am, my emotional spectrum runs raw, right to the edges. Yes I can sometimes feel so very bad, but I can also feel the other end and find almost childlike joy in the simplest things and I wouldn’t want to have that worked out. It’s cheesy but after the dark comes the dawn and I’m slowly learning to make the dark pass a little faster.
I’ve learnt that someday’s I’m going to feel crap no matter what and no one will hold it against me, It doesn’t make me a bad person. I need to remember that sometimes the ones closest to me have no idea what is going on in my head and not saying anything or just saying “it’s nothing” don’t help anyone.
I live with depression, I’m not perfect… but who wants to be perfect.